Friday, June 15, 2012

A piece of the puzzle

  Every person in this life goes through trials & hardships.
Every person has tried, failed and felt helpless.
Every person has been hurt, crushed and let down.
Every person has felt disappointed, confused and, yes, angry...Even those that hate to admit to negative feelings have felt anger.

   For those that already know me well, you know my 'big let down' story. For those that don't, let me sum it up for you: I was young. I fell in love. We spent our time together. We had trials throughout that time. We got married. Right afterward, he left. We divorced. The End.

That is the simple explanation. For me, it's the only story. I don't look at it any deeper than that, as there doesn't seem to be any need to do that. Sure, there were hurt feelings, a broken heart, a lot of emotions all mingled together in one frustrating ball of mess. I remember the words that described the feelings, however, I can't remember what any of those feelings felt like. I remember that I felt them, but how they felt or's a foggy mystery to me.

For my family & closest friends, it's not that simple.

They saw their daughter, sister, granddaughter, niece, cousin and friend get hurt. They saw her heart break. They saw the disbelief, denial, sorrow, anguish, frustration, humiliation, confusion, emptiness, fear, bewilderment, numbness, disappointment & withdrawal. They watched her cry, scream & vomit. They listened to her ask the same question over and over that they had no answer for; Why? They watched her helplessly as she became silent, withdrew from everyone, wallowed and tried to give up.

They held her, listened to her, watched her, supported her and loved her...and the anger stewed.

As I have been told by more & more of my loved ones lately, this seems to be exactly the case. As I healed, overcame, analyzed with a clear head and forgave, their anger continued to simmer and seethe.

I spent much of the last few years trying to urge people not to hate in my name. I don't want anyone to hate for ME...especially when I don't.

I've come to realize though, that I can't ask anyone not to feel as they did. I felt my past as I did, and they feel as they did and do. They have their memory of everything and I have mine.

My reason for explaining all of this has to do with a few points I wanted to get across;

One; You cannot ask anyone to change how they feel when it comes to you. When someone loves you, and you get hurt or disappointed, it's their natural response to feel protective. When someone loves you, they see you at your most vulnerable and it's their natural response to shield you in those moments.

I don't want anyone to hate for me, but I don't think that is exactly the case here; I think their anger and hate towards him is truly a fierce and loyal love towards me. I like how that feels far more than hate.

Two; I don't hate him. For one thing, I don't know the person that he is now. He is virtually a stranger to me and I have no hate for someone I do not know.  For another, the girl that I was at nineteen will always love the boy he was at nineteen.

It is my very firm belief that he came into my life at a time when he was meant to come into it. What he provided my life with (lessons and experiences that I prefer to keep to myself) were all necessary.

Every experience in life adds another piece to the puzzle of who you are. He was a piece of mine that had it's place to fit.

I've taken several forks along the path, followed long, got lost a few times but never stepped back. I've continued to go forward and life has taken me a far trip from where I thought I would end up but I don't regret a moment.

Every step has taken me to the moment I am in now, writing to you, my friends and loved ones, and in this very moment, I'm content in who I am.

Since that heart break that seems like such a minor detail in my mind now, I've jumped in head first without looking. I've acted on my impulses and stepped out of my shell to dance my way along. I've loved again and on a deeper level and with more of my heart than I ever would have had that piece of my past not played out exactly as it did.

If I could go back and do it all again, I'd do it exactly the same because here is the most important point I wanted to share:

Three; I'm glad that what happened happened, because had it not, I'd never have known what it's like to love someone so fiercely that the happiest moments in your heart are the moments when you know THEY'RE happy.

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