Respect...

Relationships, like people, all work very differently from one another. There are so many kinds of relationships with so many ways of, for lack of a better word, 'functioning'

Just to list off a few of those differing relationships to make my point, here goes: Committed heterosexual couples, committed homosexual couples, poly amorous persons, open relationships, open marriages and swingers.

People of all different walks of life have different desires, different needs emotionally, mentally, spiritually and sexually.  Now, what works for one relationship may not work in another. While one couple may prefer to commit entirely to one another, another couple may decide to share their relationship with others.

I do my best not to judge. I would not ask anyone I wasn't dating to adhere to my relationship ideals, nor is anyone asking me to adhere to theirs.

What I will point out is that regardless of the relationship setting to any of these examples, they all tend to have a couple of things in common; Respect, honesty and communication.

Each person involved in any type of relationship will have certain wants and needs in the department of those three characteristics that they'll expect their partner(s) to adhere to. Whatever the rules and functions of that specific relationship, every party involved will want to discuss and come to agreements on if things are going to work.

Having made that point, there is one aspect of any of these that is never okay: Cheating.

My understanding of how open relationships of any sort function is that there is always honesty about what it happening with whom. There is a level of trust there because the lines of communication are kept open. Reaching a point where you're stepping outside of whatever boundaries have been drawn to the relationship is dishonest.

If you're committed emotionally and physically to anybody and you break that bond in any way, you're cheating.

I could sit here and point out that if you're in an open relationship that simply requires that you inform your partner before sleeping with someone else and you choose to engage in acts without communicating that to your partner, you're cheating.

I could point out that when you're committed to more than one person and you're stepping outside the lines with one or both of them to get your jollies, you're cheating.

I could point out that when you have commit yourself to one person in all ways and you decide to step out on them, you're cheating.

What is cheating? Well, for me, it's a complete lack of respect.

At one time, the person or persons you're dating/married to were what you wanted. Their desires were your desires. As anyone that has ever gone through a breakup or divorce will tell you, desires change. People change. What doesn't change, however, is how one should go about taking the next step when they're not happy anymore.

Leave. Leave first. When you realize things aren't running as smoothly and they are not things that can be fixed, take the steps. When you realize the feelings you once felt are not what you feel now, move on. However, have respect.

As I said before, the person that doesn't fit your life anymore was the right piece for a time that is gone. That person once made you smile. They once made you laugh. They once made you feel like all you needed was them.

Respect that and remember it when the time comes to let go... because nothing tramples the good memories more than disgracing them by cheating. It's low-down. It's dirty and it's unfair to the amount of time that person put into you.

Now go forth, ladies and gentleman and think before you act.

A piece of the puzzle

  Every person in this life goes through trials & hardships.
Every person has tried, failed and felt helpless.
Every person has been hurt, crushed and let down.
Every person has felt disappointed, confused and, yes, angry...Even those that hate to admit to negative feelings have felt anger.

   For those that already know me well, you know my 'big let down' story. For those that don't, let me sum it up for you: I was young. I fell in love. We spent our time together. We had trials throughout that time. We got married. Right afterward, he left. We divorced. The End.

That is the simple explanation. For me, it's the only story. I don't look at it any deeper than that, as there doesn't seem to be any need to do that. Sure, there were hurt feelings, a broken heart, a lot of emotions all mingled together in one frustrating ball of mess. I remember the words that described the feelings, however, I can't remember what any of those feelings felt like. I remember that I felt them, but how they felt or why...it's a foggy mystery to me.

For my family & closest friends, it's not that simple.

They saw their daughter, sister, granddaughter, niece, cousin and friend get hurt. They saw her heart break. They saw the disbelief, denial, sorrow, anguish, frustration, humiliation, confusion, emptiness, fear, bewilderment, numbness, disappointment & withdrawal. They watched her cry, scream & vomit. They listened to her ask the same question over and over that they had no answer for; Why? They watched her helplessly as she became silent, withdrew from everyone, wallowed and tried to give up.

They held her, listened to her, watched her, supported her and loved her...and the anger stewed.

As I have been told by more & more of my loved ones lately, this seems to be exactly the case. As I healed, overcame, analyzed with a clear head and forgave, their anger continued to simmer and seethe.

I spent much of the last few years trying to urge people not to hate in my name. I don't want anyone to hate for ME...especially when I don't.

I've come to realize though, that I can't ask anyone not to feel as they did. I felt my past as I did, and they feel as they did and do. They have their memory of everything and I have mine.

My reason for explaining all of this has to do with a few points I wanted to get across;

One; You cannot ask anyone to change how they feel when it comes to you. When someone loves you, and you get hurt or disappointed, it's their natural response to feel protective. When someone loves you, they see you at your most vulnerable and it's their natural response to shield you in those moments.

I don't want anyone to hate for me, but I don't think that is exactly the case here; I think their anger and hate towards him is truly a fierce and loyal love towards me. I like how that feels far more than hate.

Two; I don't hate him. For one thing, I don't know the person that he is now. He is virtually a stranger to me and I have no hate for someone I do not know.  For another, the girl that I was at nineteen will always love the boy he was at nineteen.

It is my very firm belief that he came into my life at a time when he was meant to come into it. What he provided my life with (lessons and experiences that I prefer to keep to myself) were all necessary.

Every experience in life adds another piece to the puzzle of who you are. He was a piece of mine that had it's place to fit.

I've taken several forks along the path, followed long, got lost a few times but never stepped back. I've continued to go forward and life has taken me a far trip from where I thought I would end up but I don't regret a moment.

Every step has taken me to the moment I am in now, writing to you, my friends and loved ones, and in this very moment, I'm content in who I am.

Since that heart break that seems like such a minor detail in my mind now, I've jumped in head first without looking. I've acted on my impulses and stepped out of my shell to dance my way along. I've loved again and on a deeper level and with more of my heart than I ever would have had that piece of my past not played out exactly as it did.

If I could go back and do it all again, I'd do it exactly the same because here is the most important point I wanted to share:

Three; I'm glad that what happened happened, because had it not, I'd never have known what it's like to love someone so fiercely that the happiest moments in your heart are the moments when you know THEY'RE happy.

At A Loss

I've sat here staring at this empty box for several minutes at a time. I tabbed over in my browser to facebook, left some comments and came back. It's still blank. I opened youtube and watched a couple of videos, then returned to it. I still have nothing.

I've been running through my mind what I should or could make my next post about for several days. I mean, the idea of this public blog was to open up more to the people I don't necessarily share much with.

However, this week, I was pretty overwhelmed with a lot of little things and just found myself to be a sappy, emotional mess. Honestly, I don't think any of you want to hear me moan and complain here. If you do, well, thank you for that. It's very appreciated. I guess it's more that when I feel that way, I also feel like whatever I am going through, someone else has it so much worse. That pretty much nulls my desire to talk about my problems when all I can hear in my head is, "You're really going to whine about THAT when there are people out there in far more distress than you are? SHAME ON YOU!"

My conscience is not kind to me, heh

Maybe trying to figure out what direction to take this blog is part of my battle with myself to open up to people. If I feel like my feelings and thoughts are not of any interest to anyone else, I'll push them aside as a topic to converse on.

I guess I am open to suggestions about what you guys would like to talk about here. Apparently, this blog has had quite a few views already but I don't actually know who's reading.

Feel free to comment and offer me some ideas. Writer's block seems to have me at a loss today.

Family

I more than admit that I have not always been the most family-oriented individual. Don't get me wrong, when it comes to my immediate members, I have always put them before myself in my mind.

As far as extended family goes, I admit, I've spent time being more selective. I don't feel good about that. I could sit here and make excuses. I could speak of family drama. I could list reasons why I can't/don't get along with this person or that person. I could reason that this member lives so far away or this person doesn't seem to want to connect, therefore, why should I?

In heated moments of frustration especially, it's always easier to find reasons to excuse away a lack of compassion towards the people that we've grown up keeping at arms length. In those quiet moments of solitary contemplation, however, you have to start asking yourself why.

Growing up in a small town family can be incredibly difficult. You're around each other all of the time. Everyone seems to know (or thinks that they know) every detail of your life. There is little to no sense of privacy. Particularly during the teenage years when we're all striving to stand on our own as individuals, this tends to create resentment in feeling as if there is no part of your life that is yours alone.

Then there is the matter of small town politics. I find myself running into this issue more than anything. I am much more liberal whereas most of my extended family is a lot more conservative. Family gatherings, as rare as they have become, tend to get heated if these discussions come up and definitely play a part in how we interact with one another.

Then, something bad will happen. Someone will get a horrible medical diagnosis, or someone will pass on and suddenly, nothing else matters. We need each other. We love each other. We're glad to be within each others company.

Why does it have to come to that? Why does it take something negative happening to bring us all together in a positive way?

Every member of my extended family has played a positive role in my life at one point or another, whether it be something good they've done for one or both of parents or a kind act towards me or my brother. This is when I have to ask myself why it's so difficult to get along the rest of the time.

I don't want to only have a relationship with my family during the difficult times. I give them due credit that whenever I absolutely need them, they are constantly in my corner. I just wish this could be true on a regular basis.

Yesterday, my cousin Matthew, more often referred to as my brother due to how close we've always been growing up, showed up at my door. Some of you may know him as "Lemon." I'm lucky if I am able to see and spend time with him once a year and seeing him at my dining room table when I got up to get around for work last night was the best surprise I could have asked for, I think.

Matt and I are only a couple of years apart in age and we grew up being best friends. Though I may only see him once a year, when he is home, it's like being a happy-go-lucky kid again. We spend time together, laugh together and understand each other in a way that we both tend to feel that no one else does.

When he and I get together, it reminds me instantly of the old saying that blood is thicker than water. He's my cousin but as far as I've always been concerned, he's my older brother. We love each other, we stick up for each other, we protect each other and God knows, we fight. Although I'm grateful for the kind of relationship that we have and that it's something I don't quite share with anyone else in our family, I can't help but wonder; What would family gatherings be like if I did?

An introduction

Hello friends, family and followers.

After much thought, here I am, finally opening a blog for public posting.


Over the past decade or so, I've spent time filling in thoughts via several blogs. I chose to keep those all semi-private by only inviting a handful of friends to view them. Much of my posts were more personal thoughts and frustrations that I've never felt comfortable airing to just anyone.

As I've matured to adulthood, my concerns and complaints have certainly changed.  I began my first blog in 2003, just prior to my high school graduation. When I read back through the entry archives of that blog, I can't help but shake my head at my teenage rants, moans and complaints. Nearly ten years later, those thoughts all seem so childish and trivial.

Most of my concerns now, I would like to think, are of a more adult variety. I worry about money. I worry about my future. I worry about the state of the country. I worry about the lack of a decent health care system. I wonder about this country's ignorance when it comes to the more taboo topics; abortion, gay marriage, etc. I worry about the increasing number of youth suicides, especially in relation to bullying. I will talk about a lot of these things on this blog, I'm sure.

I'll also talk about my interests from time to time. I enjoy video games, comic books, swimming, writing, reading, painting, craft-work... I enjoy reading immensely and can get into various genres; Fiction, Science Fiction, Biographies and Auto-Biographies, Historical Fiction, Contemporary and especially Classics.

I may also find myself talking about the books I am enjoying as a blog post simply because so many of my friends read and enjoy the same types of books as myself and I'm sure I'll find them following this page.

While this introduction just barely scratches the surface of who I am, here's hoping that as I explore the openness of public blogging, I will also open new paths in old relationships. Maybe I'll better get to know my  new friends and  new and 'old' family (or they'll better get to know me). I absolutely invite any of you to follow this blog, comment, share your wisdom with me, learn from me and teach me.

The only thing I ask is that everyone leave their bigotry, hatred & bad attitudes at the metaphorical door. I have no time or tolerance for it.

Having said that, I hope that this blog results in great discussions of logic, reason and learning as well plain old good conversation.

Good day to you all and welcome to my blog :)