I just keep thinking that over and over and wondering how it's possible that time keeps moving like nothing happened.
Half of a year ago, on a Monday like today, you were taken away. Your birthday was only thirteen days away but you didn't get to celebrate it. I don't know how much time we're all supposed to take to grieve, but for me, it never feels like enough. I don't know how it's supposed to take before I can bring myself to take your number out of my phone. I don't know how long it's supposed to take before I stop thinking that I should send you a message about something that reminded me of one of our memories, then remember that you can't laugh about it with me anymore. I don't know how long it's supposed to take before all of the songs that remind me of you stop making me cry.
I don't think there will ever come a time where you don't cross my mind several times a day. I don't think there will ever come a time when I don't wish you were here to share an experience with me. I don't think there will ever come a time when, on your birthday, I won't look at your picture, close my eyes and think of you. I don't think there will ever come a time when, on my birthday, I won't spend the day wishing that every phone call was the one that always came in from you.
Repeatedly over the course of the past six months, I have found myself wanting to tell you about things that have happened in my life. I have wanted to go to you for advice. I have wanted to ask you how you are and listen to you talk about the things you needed to talk about. I have watched television shows or read books that I know you loved and wanted to talk to you about them. I have remembered stories from when we were just kids and wanted to reminisce with you.
The difference in six months ago and now is that I don't remember first thing when I open my eyes that you are gone and struggle to make myself get out of bed. I don't have to avoid making eye-contact with people anymore, or avoid hugs because they would trigger uncontrollable sobbing. I can smile again and I can laugh again. I can enjoy time with the people I love again. I can say that you died out-loud now without struggling to actually say the words.
I find that there are even more little things that make me think of you than there were before you died. It seems that there are Betty Boop or Cupcake things everywhere, from pajamas to necklaces. Those use to cause me to get a tightness in my chest and a lump in my throat. Now, I smile at them, albeit sadly. I don't think I would be able to do any of that if it weren't for the fact that I see you in my dreams from time to time. I am extremely grateful for those dreams each and every time.
Half a year later, I am grateful that I have talked to your mom on the phone. She has pictures of us from that big Halloween/Birthday party that year that I didn't know existed. I can't wait to see them when I visit this summer. I am grateful that your dad leaves you messages that everyone can see every week, talking about your kids and your family and how much he misses you. It feels easier to keep on when I know we are all grieving together, but all appreciating everything about you as we watch the person you were in your children. I'm grateful that I get to meet them this year, finally, though I regret every single day that it has taken me this long.
I am grateful for Eddie, and Courtney, and Debra and Shan, and knowing that, even if brief moments of conversation, we have been able to help each other through this.
Mostly, though, on this Monday, six months after the Monday that tore you away from us, that I got to have a sister for seventeen and a half years.
In memory of you today, there are a few songs that will remind me of you for the rest of my life. I'm posting them here for myself, for you, and for others who love you.
Our Song..the one that we used to send to each other in the most difficult times.. Garth Brooks, A Friend to Me.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pI9eLl-OaYY
Lyrics:
Well you and I
We're buddies
And we've been since we first met
Me and you
Well we've sure been through
Our share of laughter and regret
Lord knows we've had our bad days
And more than once we've disagreed
But you've always been a friend to me
You can be so stubborn
There's times I think you just like to fight
And I hope and pray
I live to see a day
When you say I might be right
And there's times I'd rather kill you
Than listen to your honesty
But you've always been a friend to me
You've always been
Time and again
The one to take my hand
And show to me it's okay to be
Just the way I am
With no apology
Oh you've always been
And you will 'til God knows when
Yes you've always been a friend to me
The Band Perry, If I Die Young. This song really seemed to encompass the loss of someone so beautiful.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7NJqUN9TClM
Lyrics:
If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn,
Send me away on the words of a love song
Lord, make me a rainbow,
I'll shine down on my mother,
She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors.
Oh, and life ain't always what you think it ought to be,
No, ain't even grey, but she buries her baby.
The sharp knife ofa short life.
Well, I've had just enough time
If I die young, bury me in satin.
Lay me down on a bed of roses.
Sink me in the river at dawn.
Send me away with the words of a love song.
The sharp knife of a short life.
Well, I've had just enough time.
And I'll be wearing white,
when I come into your Kingdom
I'm as green as the ring on my little cold finger.
Well, I've never known the loving of a man,
but it sure felt nice when he was holding my hand.
There's a boy here in town,
says he'll love me forever.
Who would have thought forever could be severed by
The sharp knife of a short life?
Well, I had just enough time.
So put on your best, boys, and I'll wear my pearls
What I never did is done.
A penny for my thoughts, oh no,
I'll sell em' for a dollar.
They're worth so much more after I'm a goner
and maybe then, you'll hear the words I been singin'
Funny, when you're dead how people start listenin'
If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song
Oh, the ballad of a dove.
Go with peace and love.
Gather up your tears,
keep em' in your pocket.
Save them for a time when you're really gonna need them, oh,
The sharp knife of a short life.
Well, I've had just enough time.
So put on your best, boys, and I'll wear my pearls...
This next one was written by Mick Jagger and Keith Richards. I love listening to Bayside sing it because the way they did this song just feels as sad as I feel about missing you. It's called Winter. I changed all of the he's in the song to she's...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Or3t2-xdkk
When Winter falls
Next year, I'll be holding on
To anything nailed down
As for being patient, with fate and all, it's getting old.
And my mind is slowly changing
I'm calling all my oldest friends,
Saying "sorry for this mess we're in,"
And I'm waiting, waiting
For the Sun to come and melt this snow,
wash away the pain, and give me back control, control.
An angel got her wings,
And we'll hold our heads up knowing that she's fine.
We'd all be lucky to have a love like that in a lifetime.
Should we still set her plate?
Should we still save her chair?
Should we still buy her gifts?
And if we don't, did we not care?
It makes you think about the life you've led,
Shit you've done, things you've said.
And it's grounding, grounding.
I've been feeling three feet tall this month,
hardly indestructible.
But the snow melts, and the rhythm still goes on.
An angel got her wings,
And we'll hold our heads up knowing that she's fine.
We'd all be lucky to have a love like that in a lifetime.
Friends stay side by side,
In life and death you've always stole my heart,
You'll always mean so much to me, it's hard to believe this
These nights in vans,
These nights in bars,
Don't mean a thing with empty hearts, with empty hearts.
An angel got her wings,
And we'll hold our heads up knowing that she's fine.
We'd all be lucky to have a love like that in a lifetime.
Friends stay side by side,
In life and death you've always stole my heart,
You've always meant so much to me, it's hard to believe
So much to me, it's hard to believe
So much to me, it's hard to believe this.
______________________________________________________________________________________
Six months. Half a year ago. Where does the time go?
I miss you every single day, sis, and I love you.
